Well this sucks. My fiance [28f] has admitted to an emotional affair with her coworker after she was caught by me [27m] sending innapropriate Snapchat photos and deleting chats.
Little backstory. Together for 9 years. At start of the relationship after 6 months she left me for another guy because I was insecure she was going to leave me. She then did leave me, then she came back a month later because I have security.
Throughout the years, I have unfortunately not been completely satisfied by her emotionally. I also had a looming insecurity that she of course loved me, but did not like me. I needed her to provide evidence that she “likes me” and she was very poor at expressing that. I had a hard time deciphering whether it was because of her character and she was just not capable, or it’s because she truly didn’t like me.
I am emotionally draining and require a lot of attention. Over the years I have used other sources in a community to get attention, but I definitely relied on her a lot. I had a hard time making guy friends but a really easy time making girl friends as I am approachable and not threatening. I would often consider I have a greater emotional connection with her few girl friends than she does. This lead to me creating a great best friend dynamic with a woman for 7ish years. She was a genuine best friend. The dynamic turned into an emotional affair at the 6.5-7 year mark as I was utilizing this friend in the fall of 2024 to fulfill aspects in my life that my partner did not fulfill. Looking for compliments, the whole “I wish my partner did this” “oh I would never do that” blah blah blah. She was married and would use me as a tool for emotional validation her husband didn’t give her. He was working hard to create a business to give her a family, and because he was always gone she would use me. (I thought this was terribly wrong of her to not be able to love her husband who is shaping his life to provide for her. Through counseling she realized she was wrong too.) I realized it had gone to far and became innapropriate after I told my partner that I truly don’t look at her as a best friend because and I’ve been using this other woman to fulfill roles inappropriately. That happened as they all do as my partner was seeing my excitement to talk to my friend and it was obvious and that’s when I had to put on my big boy pants and make a decision on how to successful pursue my relationship and not use others to fulfill roles that I wish my partner filled.
With that past behind us, I proposed the next year and things were not great. She was depressed and emotionally drained from her blue collar pipe fitting job and one of her mentally abusive coworkers sucked the life out of her. Me and my partners sister would work together on trying to understand what was going on with my partner and why she was so drained. She began therapy and I gave her many opportunities to pursue occupational counseling to help her find a career. This was hurting our relationship as she was not interested in me at this time and there would be periods where we would go months without sex or intimacy. I told her at times it felt like I “just had a roommate” and that she needs to fulfill romantic roles. She “was tired” all the time. I would use this as fuel to better myself and make myself the best person I could possibly be for myself and for her. This past fall, things reached a head at her work to where she was calling out and crying because she didn’t want to go in and didn’t know what to do with herself when she stayed home. I hated the principle of this, but hated to see her suffer so I allowed it. I ended up going to her very involved parents (I look at them as parents and mentors and likely talk to them more than she does) while she was on her bachelorette trip to explain to them this dynamic of their daughters misery at work and what we could do to solve it. I wanted to help her, but you can’t lead a horse to water and make it drink. Her parents never got involved as I think there was a masking of shame around the whole scenario, and I ended up writing out a text for my partner to her boss that she send that would change her role in the company. She then began to work with this coworker.
This coworker and her had unfortunately has had inappropriate behavior towards each other for a few years. I’ve confronted both of them 3 times about it in the past few years as he was also my friend. They became close partners boss/worker dynamic. She got into weight lifting and the hobbies he had and his mannerisms and I was worried because of previous issues but was happy that she was happy. She was overall happy at her work and happier at home and I was ecstatic. Yes! My girl is happy and things are great. Now she won’t be “tired” and I can get the emotional connection I desire. Issue solved. Turns out, the emotional connection I was looking for, never came. All the energy got focused into her coworker. I became jealous and addressed it. I told her that the emotional connection her and her coworker had is what I am looking for. Things got worse, and I was eventually hurt. It then became “hey the emotional capacity you say you don’t have because you’re tired, is 100% going into your coworker. This is not appropriate, I’d like it to stop. After 4 warnings and me seeing that messages are deleted and trust is broken, it was time for couples therapy. First therapist we had was disconnected and said I should be medicated for ADHD and OCD. Not the route I was looking for. We went camping and it was first trip ever that she had planned completely rather than me. It was great, I felt love and genuine connection. I get back, leave to go buy a truck, she sends me images of herself nude in the shower and in front of a mirror. 4 images in a 25 minute time span. This is the second time ever she’s taken nude images of herself and sent them to me. I never had Snapchat because I called it a “sexting app” and she felt weird sending them on iMessage. The first time in our 9 year relationship was last week when I was at work. The second time was yesterday. My first through was, “why does she have her phone on the shower?” I get home, we go to a friend gathering, I check her phone conversation on Snapchat with her coworker during the time period she sent me the 4 images. 25+ Snapchat’s during the time period. Lots of deleted chats, etc etc. I wait until we’re home. Confront her calmly and make sure she feels safe in the environment to be transparent, she admits to the emotional affair.
I know exactly why it happens. I’m not stupid. I saw it coming a mile ahead. It just sucks it happened after such a good weekend.
Her reasoning is that she doesn’t feel connected to me and the wedding is stressing her how. She hates how all I talk about is buying my business. She hates how last year I was not ready for a kid because of my employment and financial situation and I wanted to wait until after we were married. However after I spoke to some friends about how they started a business and had a kid, that gave me the confidence to pursue it. That turned my whole life into right now, working as hard as I can to be a successful business owner, and doing everything I can to allow her to pursue a part time career of her choice so she can be the mom she wants to be. I want to be an amazing provider and husband and I am driven by the idea of creating a wonderful family.
Her coworker, had a kid with some random girl and resents her. The baby is adorable and my fiance adores the baby. The whole “misery brings company dynamic” happened because he hates his baby mother and wishes he could have a “step mom like (my partner).” My fiance really enjoyed that role that she was wanted and desired as a mom by her coworker. She also works with him everyday, sends dumb memes not stop too on social media because I don’t have any and she’s borderline addicted, likes how he dresses and how he’s a weight lifter and has made comments about how she wishes my chest was like his. Has even tried to give me hand-me-down shirts from delusional how disrespectful that was, etc etc.
After confrontation, she felt awful and shameful. She denied sending him nude images and any sort and denies any other sexual components throughout there relationship but admitted that she was seeking attention inappropriately. I don’t believe her completely and she understands. I asked her to leave for a week and find a place to stay at a friend/families so she can decide what she truly wants. She refuses. She doesn’t have a lot of friends, her parents love me and she couldn’t bring herself to begin to explain the shame of the situation and the pressure of what this will do to the wedding. With no where to go, I understand and let her stay. We talk more about her feelings and mine have been laid out transparently for her to see in many long talks and writings I have given her to show full transparency. She gives me some information on how she’s feeling which just confirms things I understood and obviously saw. Such as her not being attracted to me and her forcing herself to do so but can’t and doesn’t know why. (I know why, it’s just she doesn’t like who I am. She says I’m “too smart for her” and we’re on different “levels”. She said her “dumb pipe fitter coworkers” are easier to talk to and conversation with me is “a lot”.) she tries to coheres me to have intercourse with her, I put it off for 1.5 hours and she isn’t going to let it up or go to bed until I give in. I gave in because I was ready for the day to be over. It was emotionless and did not feel right. She finished and went to bed finally.
This morning I write this and use stupid chat gpt to help me find a solution. I would like some advice on how this can go and if this is solvable. I love her, and know she loves me, but truly I feel like she does not like me. I own a house and living in it while I pay most the bills is her best situation as a woman. I don’t want to start over, but I understand the facts of what has happened and think this may be doomed.
I will try another couples counselor, but I don’t think this will change the fact if she genuinely likes me or not. She has not been showing me romantic interest for the majority of the relationship. We make good roommates, we’re a kick ass team, but she has not shown my the ability to provide secure romantic interest.
What do you think. Any feedback is welcome, I will need to be making a decision.
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