This is something I need to talk about back when I was 12yrs old the woman who saved my life and groomed me.
I was ~~suicidal~~ from a heavily abusive family. One night I planned to actually do it but everyone needed to fall asleep first. so I spent more hours then i remember scrolling Facebook, sending friend request to any random person with a cool profile picture or post while waiting for the chance to sneak out.
Carol was one of those people that was how we met, she had a purple cat as her profile picture and i thought that was interesting so i added her as a friend, for me almost midnight but she accepted it instantly and messed me. stunned that anyone accepted a friend request from me let alone messaged me i replied to her, it started off with basic hellos and small talk but within minutes she noticed something was wrong, stating one of the reasons was the profile picture I had of a poorly drawn emo dog from a drawing app on the Nintendo DSI, she convinced me to talk about my feels and i confessed to her what i was about to do.
I never noticed the time passing as we talked, she stayed up till i saw the sun raising talking to me and keeping me from doing it. after several hours she told me she needed to sleep but was worried id do something while she was asleep, so she told me how she felt and what i meant to her. She convinced me to promise to not do it, made me promised to never even try to harm my self in anyway.
I agreed and i promised, not just by words but because she was the only in my life who showed what i thought was real love and caring, i poured my soul into that promise.
I still remember how I felt the next morning when she messaged me, it had been a long time since I smiled, she had me talking for hours on hours about how i felt, she coached me on what those feelings meant and how to handle them. slowly we began bounding over small thing, like games and cartoon characters, pokemon, nature and stories about magic. we shared music and everything. We talked a lot playing pokemon and watching things like American Dragon and Loonytoons on tv, then at some point she asked if i was into role play,
i told her i didnt know what that was.
That is were the sexual roleplays started. she explained to me what roleplaying was, and wanted to do one with me.
that first roleplay, was my first exposure to that type of sexual thing, she set the scene and everything. that roleplay she explained and showed in great detail how she gave someone a blow job by roleplaying the actions onto me.
Later on when she was asking me about why i wanted to kill myself back then, i was to scared to tell her about the abuse from my parents and id freeze / lock up. I still remember how angry she got that i froze up and wouldnt talk, she made it seem like she truly cared. I thought she was upset because i was hurting myself by not letting her help. But I couldnt tell her, i never told her about what my mother and father did I only told her how badly i hated them and wanted to end my self.
that conversation was when she asked exactly how old i was, saying she felt like i was younger.
when i told her I was turning 13 in a few days she said she thought i was young but not that young because i spoke and typed like an older teenager. being scared id lose her as a friend i asked her if that was a problem, her response was something ill never forget.
“No it doesn’t bother me, your age doesn’t matter to me”
from there the sexual roleplays and talks become much more comfortable and frequent. She coached on everything sexual and non sexual, from what her favorite sex toys are and where to buy them, she explained in detail what model was her favorite and how she “didnt need lube to us it because she makes her own”. she would share non sexual but lgbt things with me like rainbow pride paw print ear rings and say id look adorable in them, she did that with clothing aswell coaching me into getting skirts and other female clothing.
she pushed me to tell a boy i liked him and got me to ask him out as my boyfriend. following that she would send me gay porn and say it made her think of me and the boyfriend.
During the talks about cloths and ear rings, i asked her if i could have a photo of her because i genuinely liked seeing her smile.
she agreed and sent me one but only with a promise, that i never tell any one about her, what she looked like or to never share her photo with anyone. i still remember that photo vividly.
she was standing outback on her patio, it was mid day im not sure if before noon or past noon but it was bright and sunny. she was wearing a long sleeve black shirt with tweety bird from loonytoons on the front, and a long black and red plad skirt. her hair was long and dark. she was in a cute pose doing a peace sign with a massive beautiful smile on her face.
Having started caring about her like she was more then a friend, i cherished that photo and every word she said, i tried to memories as much as i could in fear of my abusive mother stealing the few belongings i had left to sell for drugs.
Back when I told her my age and that I was turning 13, i told her about my birthday. mainly how often everyone forgot about them and me. that 13th bday it happened again. not a single person in my real life even said happy birthday until two days later when i told my younger sister they forgot.
“Carol” was the only one who remembered my bday and even gave me gifts. Two fake things through facebook but meant the world to me, one that i still keep today.
First she gave me art of three pokemon in pokeballs, drawn like they were made or crystal glass. it was stunning art.
the second thing wasn’t something physical or art. it was done by words and roleplay but with her knowing how much i was starting to love her and that i wanted to be loved by her in some way, she gave me a golden collar. yeah it was just words but that made up golden collar was the only gift i ever cherished with all my heart. I drew it on my dragon character back then and it has never been removed, if i had it in real life id wear it every day till now because it isnt WHAT she gifted me, it was the love i felt from it that made me cherish it so deeply. When she gave it to me, she told me she saw me as her little brother and from then on called me as suck. I couldnt help but love her as a sister.. This all was at the end of 2012. We kept talking for almost two years just about daily things, her life, her boyfriends, my life, my friends, she tried to coach me on how to be a good person and live a good life.
Around the end of 2014 she tells me she wants to talk about something important after work though her boy friends Facebook, she asks me to wait up for her and i do, i sit terrified because she never asked me to wait up before. everything was “ill tell you in the morning” so this was new and worrying.
I have no idea what she wanted to say because that was the time i heard from her. two weeks later I’m talking to that boyfriend of hers trying to find anything out, he tells me she never came home from work, he hasnt seen her in two weeks either and was moving on to someone else. feeling like that was betrayal i vowed to myself that id never give up on looking for her like that. Nearly a decade i spent grieving and searching for her, i thought maybe she was kidnapped and being trafficked, i was scared she tried to kill her self, i can not tell you how many times i cried my self to sleep in worry of her.
it wasnt until recently when i had an emotional breakdown in front of my friends that one of them recognized her name, they found her online and helped me reach out but when I did she deleted every account and ghosted everyone who was talking to her, even a boyfriend of over 5yrs who responded to me because he was scared that she had vanished and ghosted him for two weeks. She stopped replying to him the same day she read the message from me. Turned out she only told him a fake name that entire time, a username shortened to Eva. I showed him who she really was and that she was married to someone as of a facebook post 5 years ago. 5yrs ago was when she started being distant with him. That is what he told me at the least.
thats when i found out him and one other boyfriend she had where 15 and 17 when they met her, she was in her Early twenties!. then i found a Facebook post from her, asking publicly if anyone wanted to have a sexual roleplay with her, but she explained in that post she wanted to act as a child in the sexual roleplay…
my soul and heart shattered finding all of this out.. i still love her like a sister.. i still care if she’s ok and living well, i never wanted to bring what she did to me into light, thinking i was the only child she messed with i ignored the sexual shit and only cared about the “love” she showed. I know I should hate her and part of me does but at the same time I still care about her and speaking up like I am has made me feel so fucking horrible. I know i shouldnt but I do.
I already submitted a tip but the police want a real report filed and they can only take those by phone or in person. Only issue is that I dont think I can make that phone call, talking about this with friends I struggle to speak at all and constantly cry. I understand how I should feel towards her but part of still wishes to hear an apology or something and that part wants to forgive her desperately. I know that isnt right and that I cant forgive any of this. I dont know what to make of myself right now or how to feel. im making this post so i cant back out and pretend like it never happened.
-posting this again because i found another victim who thought she was dead, and learned that there is possibly even more-
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