I have been getting this 2 second memory on and off for about a year now. It is of me as a child laying in bed covered in a blanket with just my eyes poking out and my dad in my room with a bare penis. I will remember it, convince myself it cannot be real, forget about it, and then it comes back.
Two weeks ago I got this 2 second flashback when I was going on a late night walk and I just felt this overwhelming need to cry. My eyes just started to water up and my chest felt so tight. The next day at work I get the memory again. This time I have the feeling of when you’re about to have a panic attack, but it never actually happens. So, for about 4/8 hours of my shift I am trying to function while I am so dizzy, my surroundings are lagging, my vision keeps alternating between dark-normal, chest is tight, and I have to breathe so cautiously to avoid hyperventilating. After this incident I have not been able to brush it off like I have in the past. I am having a really hard time believing that nothing happened.
My dad abused me physically, emotionally, and verbally. There being some sexual abuse would not be out of pocket for him. This is not my only experience with flashbacks and fragmented memories. However, this is my only memory that indicates sexual abuse. It would also explain a lot of the behaviors and symptoms I have displayed. I remember at an alarmingly young age (5-6) thinking that my body was so disgusting because I saw myself and sometimes still do as way curvier and more developed than I was. I would cry about my thighs, hips, and boobs. When looking back at photos my body was at a very normal development stage. I saw myself as a disappointment because of my “overdeveloped” body. I cannot orgasm, and any time I have sex I feel contaminated after (common with those who were raised super religious, but I was not). When I was around 6-7 I remember getting a graphic intrusive thought about me sexually assaulting someone. I know sexual intrusive thoughts are common in OCD, but I was so young.
How did I have the ability to know the actions of a sexual assault without some type of sexual trauma? When I was 13 I would strip tease for adult men on live stream. Originally for no reward, just to do it. Then I started to do it for starbucks gift cards. My dad lost custody of me when I was 15 because of his physical abuse. My teenage years were then filled with severe self harm, suicide attempts, and jumping between different treatment facilities.
I am now 22 and a fairly well adjusted person. I am able to function now, and I am in school. This memory has just been bothering me so much lately and I have a hard time verbalizing it to others. It sounds so much scarier when I say it out loud than when I say it in my head or write it in my journal. I’m not sure what to do with all this information.
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