We have been together for 9 months. I am 24 and he is 38. I have always been in relationships with older men.
I think this largely comes from my childhood — because of certain experiences I matured very quickly and have always felt mentally older than people my age. I worked through this in therapy. Despite that, I still cannot imagine being with someone my own age, they just seem childlish to me and I want to settle with someone emotionally matured.
We met at work and immediately had a very good connection. Sometimes you meet people with whom you feel a certain bond right away. We started seeing each other, but at first I saw him more as a friend. I was not physically attracted to him and did not feel any sexual desire.
After some time, I realized that he had fallen in love with me. I also started to develop some feelings, although I was not completely sure about them. Eventually he confessed his love to me. I decided to give the relationship a chance, hoping that with time my feelings would turn into physical attraction as well.
Our first sexual experience was very disappointing, but I still hoped things would improve over time beacause of my love for him. Unfortunately, not much has changed. I still do not feel physically attracted to him and I am not satisfied with our sex life.
I should also mention that my partner has Crohn’s disease and has a stoma. Because of this he is very slim, even thinner than me. I was aware of this before entering the relationship. I still decided to try, because in every other aspect — apart from the physical one — our relationship is perfect. I never felt such a connection with any man in my life.
Throughout my life I have dated rather big, physically strong men — that is simply my type. In my previous relationships sex was always very important to me and usually very intense. In my last relationship, my partner and I explored our sexual fantasies together and had a very rich sex life.
With my current partner, however, I have reached a point where I no longer want to have sex. I am not physically attracted to him. My body does not respond to him and I do not feel aroused. During sex I often find myself just waiting for it to be over.
About a three months ago I met another man at work. It started innocently — just casual conversations and getting to know each other. Over time we began texting more and more, and eventually we met and ended up sleeping together.
From the very beginning of that connection I had huge feelings of guilt, even before anything physical happened. I had never cheated before and I always strongly condemned that kind of behavior.
This relationship has now been going on for about a month. We meet regularly and sleep together. I want to end it, but when I think about returning to the sex life I have in my relationship, I feel overwhelmed with frustration and sadness.
During my last sexual encounter with my partner I had tears in my eyes because it was simply very difficult for me to go through it.
I do not know what I should do. I love him and I truly would like to spend the rest of my life with him. He cares about me, respects me, and we get along on every level. I have never been in such a healthy and calm relationship before.
However, the thought that my sex life might look like this forever honestly terrifies me.
I also do not know how to talk to him about it. I do not want to hurt him or make him develop insecurities. I am aware that his illness may influence his physical condition and our sex life, and that is not something that can simply be changed.
Because of all this, I feel even worse and deeply conflicted.
I know that what I did is unforgivable and that I should never have done it. However, I have two questions: should I tell my partner about the cheating? And how can I talk to him about the fact that I do not feel physical attraction toward him and that our sex life is very unsatisfying for me?
Give me all your thoughts on this. I know I am a piece of shit for cheating on him.
