Extremely long post and I apologize in advance. I’m looking for outside opinions because I genuinely don’t know if I’m seeing this clearly anymore.
I’ve (21F) been dating my boyfriend (25M) for about 7 months now, and lately I’ve been struggling with some things he’s told me about his past. It’s gotten to the point that I’m in therapy for anxiety and this relationship has become a major topic because I can’t figure out if this is incompatibility, insecurity, or both.
When we first got together, one thing I really liked was that he told me he hadn’t been with anyone for 2 years after getting out of an 8 year relationship. It made me feel like he wasn’t hopping from person to person and that we were both taking relationships seriously.
Over time, though, details started changing.
The timeline changed from 2 years to 3 years. Then I learned about a hookup that happened during that period, which made me question whether I actually understood the timeline at all.
Separately, he told me he once slept with his best friend’s girlfriend during a foursome. They aren’t friends anymore because I needed that boundary. That story has bothered me ever since because sex vs friends is a very big line to cross. I know it happened before we met, but it changed how I viewed him.
Then there are comments he makes about sex. For example, he recently described himself as having “always been an eater.” Maybe that sounds stupid, but it bothered me. Sex is something I view as very intimate, emotional, and connected to love. Sometimes the way he talks about it feels much more instinct driven or casual than how I experience it.
Recently I saw a girl on his Facebook and asked who she was. He told me he had a small school age crush on her. Normally that wouldn’t be a huge deal, except my ex actually cheated on me with that exact girl years ago, so it hit a nerve. He offered to remove her immediately and was understanding about it.
For additional context, early in our relationship he asked me to remove my ex from social media because we were still friends. I did. So social media boundaries have already been a topic for us.
Another thing that has bothered me is that he went through my phone at my birthday party early in the relationship and found old nudes I’d sent before we were officially dating.
The actual fight happened today.
I’ve been carrying all of these feelings for months and finally decided to tell him that I’ve been struggling with some things I’ve learned about his past and that I think we need to have a serious conversation in person.
His response was basically that he was incredibly stressed at work, shaking, and wanted to have the conversation in person instead of over text. Logically, I understand that.
Emotionally, I completely lost it.
What hurt me wasn’t that he wanted to talk in person. What hurt me was that after months of me silently carrying this, the first thing I heard was basically “bad timing.”
I felt like I was finally opening up and instead of hearing, “Wow, you’ve been carrying this for months. Let’s talk tonight,” I heard how stressed he was and why the timing was difficult.
I got angry and sent several emotional texts. Some of them were probably unfair. I told him I felt like everything always becomes about how my feelings affect other people. I told him I was hurt that I finally opened up and felt dismissed. I was crying and furious.
Now I’m sitting here wondering if I’ve completely overreacted.
The bigger issue is this:
I don’t know if I’m actually upset about individual events anymore.
I think I’m questioning whether we fundamentally see sex, intimacy, loyalty, and relationships the same way.
Part of me feels like his past shouldn’t matter this much.
Part of me feels like someone’s past absolutely matters because it reflects their values and decisions.
Am I unfairly judging him for things that happened before we met?
Or is this a legitimate compatibility issue that I’ve been trying to ignore?
I’d appreciate honest opinions from both sides because right now I’m too emotionally involved to tell what’s reasonable anymore.
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